Confessions of a fatty...

“Confession is the first step to repentance". Perhaps by publicly admitting this, I shall never, ever, get to the breaking point again. God help me!

It's no secret that I'm overweight. I've been 'chubby' for pretty much all of my life. Growing up, one of the more exciting times was the arrival of the new Sears catalogue, and I'd go through it to order some new school clothes. I couldn't have been older than 8 or 9. I remember succinctly showing Mom a cool pair of jeans I wanted. They had pink stitching on the back pockets, and I wanted them. I remember how sad I felt when she said, "No Amber, you can't order those - they don't come in 'Pretty Plus'". Talk about dashing a little girl's heart...

So yeah, I've always had to order 'larger' sizes than the norm, but my weight reached an all-time high just recently. At my second heaviest point in the early 90's I remember having to get a size 20 and I vowed I would never, ever, get to the point of needing that size again. Lo and behold I did, and some clothes have surpassed it by a size. When did I get to the point that I stopped caring? Was it just pure laziness? I do not enjoy exercise, but there was a time where I got up and went to the gym every day. I used to blame it on the 'new relationship' because it was at that point that my daily trips to the gym stopped - wanting to make extra time for Chris. Chris and I just had our 5 year anniversary in October. So the relationship wasn't 'new' for a long time, yet I still didn't change anything. So what was my next excuse?: "I want to eat what I want"; "I'm going to live fat and happy". So, I did eat what I wanted; as much as I wanted and whatever I wanted. So, I got one part of that right - I was fat. But, I certainly wasn't happy.

One of the saddest (ie pathetic!) things I was doing prior to the time I decided I needed to make a change was my lunch behaviour. I would leave work, run through a drive-thru, be it McDonalds or Dairy Queen or Wendys...order up a burger and fries, and sit in the car and eat it - because I felt too ashamed to bring it into the lunchroom and face the inner mocking of the people in there saying to themselves, "No wonder she looks like she does...look what she eats". In addition to that, there wasn't many nights that I didn't plunk my arse in front of the tv with a 'snack' of some kind, be it chips or nachos...and I felt that I 'needed' chocolate every day. Basically I was a product of what I was doing to myself. I deserved to look the way I did.

I'm so thankful that I finally had a moment where I said enough is enough....and slowly, but surely (I hope) I will gain control of my life & my weight instead of letting it control me.